Saturday, January 14, 2012

top 10 reasons I hate the Gym.

In no particular order, I just started at 10 to throw you off and make you think that #1 was going to be this huge epiphmatic™ moment.   (BTdubs, epiphmatic is a %100 Kristina word.  You may use it as you wish.  Just remember to include the whenever you say it.  You know, in your head.) 

10. There are Lions.
I know I shouldn't let this bother me, but c'mon, LIONS?  They are bronze statues, standing majestically on this great fountain that pours down into a goldfish and turtle pool.  Don't get me wrong, love the fish.  Love the turtles.  But the 8 feet tall lions I could do without.  Maybe they are there to remind me that unless I lose some poundage I will always just be a tasty lion snack.  Or maybe they are there to add some class.  Because nothing screams "CLASSY GYM!" Like 8 foot bronze lions.

9. Sheridan's Frozen Custard
Is practically built in the gym parking lot.  That way you can 1. Think about all the Frozen Custard you aren't eating because you are trying to be a skinny fit person or 2. Hate yourself as you bury your cellulite-induced woes in 3 heavenly scoops of creamy, delicious frozen custard.  With Hotfudge, raspberries and whipping cream.  And pecans.  I'll take 2 please.

8. Work-out clothes make me look fat.
Can't they just bald-face-lie like my regular clothes do?

7. People expect me to work out when I'm there.
Seriously, can't I just go to the gym, drop my kids off at the daycare and read a book on the nice squooshy couch in the locker room?  Stop judging me!!

6. It is full of skinny fit people.
Who are secretly judging me.  When I go to the gym I don't want to be surrounded by beautiful women with perfect hair and make-up.  Shoot, I don't even want a Robin Sherbatsky who is wearing sweats and no make-up but still has a perfect body so she can get away with it.  I want to go to the gym and be surrounded by sweating fat people, who will look over at me on the treadmill, give a little wave and psychically tell me, "I feel you girl.  I hate this right now.  I would totally be in the locker room reading a book on the nice squooshy couch except people expect me to work out when I'm here."

4. Constant reminders of my grandma-esque physique
Remember when I naively ran that 5k?  And the slowest grandma on the planet casually jogged past me?  Well getting shown-up by grandma once is enough humiliation for a life-time.  But apparently I feed on constant humiliation.  I attend  a step-class (which I love to hate) that is full of 1. skinny fit people 2. grandmas 3. pregnant ladies and 4. ME.  And guess who leaves the risers out of her steps?  Nope, not the grandmas.  It's the pregnant ladies.  BECAUSE THEY ARE 8 MONTHS PREGNANT.  Oh yeah, and ME TOO.  Because I'm 33 months POST PREGNANT.  I can't handle that extra 4 inches in my step.  Ask me again when I'm in my late 70s because hopefully by then I'll be able to hack it.

3. It is full of witnesses to my failure.
So today I did the P90x Kenpo DVD.  Wait, no I didn't.  I  did about 30 minutes of the P90x Kenpo DVD. And then I got bored and decided I didn't want to do it anymore, and so I stopped.  (and consequently sat down and drank some chocolate milk.)  Guess who cared and noticed??  NO ONE!  (well actually my 4 year old daughter did say, "Mom, You're missing your exercises!" But I accept the fact that she knows I am overweight and undermotivated.)  NO ONE!  Where as at the gym, you get on those eliptical machine deals, do about 10 minutes and think, eh.  I don't want to do this anymore.  So you step down and the grandma on the machine next to you raises an eyebrow and thinks loud enough for everyone in the room to hear, "really lady?  10 minutes?  on an eliptical? is that all you got?" And you weakly stutter in thought response, "oh, oh, I was just uh, heading on over to the treadmill instead." and grandma smiles smugly.  "don't kid me hunny, I've seen you run.  I'm the old biddy that lapped you that last 5k.  SUCKAH!"

2. I feel unconnected to my children when I'm there.
My kids like to go to the gym.  They beg to go there.  So I drop them off at the Kid's club and they run off sqeeing in delight.  "I love the gyyyyyyyym!!"  WHO ARE YOU??? Can I continue rearing children with such a backwards philosophy on voluntary physical exertion?  I don't know if this is going to work out.

1. I could only think of 9.
But "top 9 reasons I hate the Gym" just sounded stupid.  Okay I lied.  I only thought of 8.


sally said...

I love you.

Cox Family said...

Amen. You should just come to the church three times a week. It's free, no one is judging you and your kids can run around, oh and IT'S FREE! And no lions.

Allison said...

I feel ya!!! Well said. If I could add a couple of my own, just to put them out there:
1. Incorporating gym time into my life is next to impossible. Getting up earlier than I absolutely have to for work is not an option, and going to the gym right after work, thereby delaying dinnertime after a long day, is not a GOOD option, and going after dinner when my tummy is full, also not an option.
2. The gym makes me worry that I don't have it in me to Endure To The End. And I don't like the thought of that, so it's best to avoid those reminders and stay away from the gym entirely.

hyperthetically speaking said...

Oh man, you are so right on with this stuff. I think we share many of the same sentiments.

Although, if I saw those two gigantic lions staring at me, I might do a couple more curls just out of intimidation.